I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
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