My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
Randomize
