My nipple is on Facebook.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
