i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
So many stories. To uyou are sober. I heart you though. Jesus. Dirrty dancing jusyt came oine!!no. Lie.
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
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