She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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