oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
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