i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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