She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Randomize
