I am at the point in my high where i now know/understand chinese.
everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
And that's when I found out that Patrick wasn't in fact down with O.P.P.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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