I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Randomize
