I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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