i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
