mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
Your shirt... Was in my pants
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
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