Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
I like my sex mixed with concussions.
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
In either case, seeing now as it's basically two couples, unless we're planning to have a good old fashion orgy I think this isn't going to work out so well.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Randomize
