am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Randomize
