Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
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