just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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