no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
