sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
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