I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
