so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
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