I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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