girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
