Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
Randomize
