Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
