I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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