The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I'm more concerned as to why he has a playlist entitled Dem Club Beats.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
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