6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
I wish i could go to google and type in drug dealers and it would bring up a number, a product and direction
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
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