She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
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