Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
I party with great urgency now.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
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