he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
whoever created level 16 on brickbreaker is a dick
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
