turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
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