1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
Randomize
