i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Randomize