Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
Randomize
