So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
Randomize
