sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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