i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Randomize
