He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
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