You just made me feel so damn special
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
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