There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
Randomize
