fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
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