i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Randomize
