I hate this i feel like im wasting my youth here. I should be off hooking up with boys around the world and having awkward next morning convos in different languages!!
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Randomize
