I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
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