my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
Myspace is for pedophiles and tweakers in the 818 trying to hook up. I always forget theres music there too
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
Huh interesting. Well thats too bad. Did he catch on?
I doubt it. After sex he sat there naked until the episode of fresh prince (which had JUST started) was over.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
