I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
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