I'm so fucking centered right now
Spotted: Pepto Bismol pink Scion with Ed Hardy sticker on front window, air freshener, and seat covers. Total Douchette Mobile.
So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
God, you're like boner-b-gone
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Randomize
