I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
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