What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
Randomize
