Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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