my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
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