Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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