Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
What changed your mind?
Being sober
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
Randomize
