I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
Randomize
