There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
Randomize
