I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
Randomize
