You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
its liver damage thursday
Randomize
