I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
38 yer olds are good kisserssss
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
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