Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Randomize
