Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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