At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
stop calling my apartment porn island.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
