I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
All three roommates are gay and in women's studies. Ive already been informed that all penetration is rape. This is not the college experience I signed up for.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
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