i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
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