Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Randomize
