sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
Randomize
