My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Randomize
